AND AN ANT PLAYS GOD

I spend hours on my window last night, looking at the withering trees and the distant lights. I stared till my eyes begin to water, but I couldn’t find a reason for my aimless staring. Ok. Let us assess one by one. What I felt? Unbelievable gay (stupid), no seriously, what did I REALLY feel? Happy. Not the woohoo-life-rocks kind of happiness. What I felt was a sprinkle of it, loneliness has a way of touching you, maybe not always, but at times like these, when you sit in the corner of the world, and watch the madness outside. Everything blurs, runs, rushes at break-neck speed and you sit there unaffected. Detached. Out of place. Like I feel every time I go to one of those parties by ‘socially inclined middle aged ladies’ where the only thing not re-vamped, re-furnished, modified and ‘up’lifted is the furniture. Where they gossip about each other’s husbands (read: behind their backs), about the neighbours, the workers, the increasing parlour charges and et all. Everything under the sun, except those problems that really bother them-fights, wayward children (however cut my mother out of this one, she complains at every possible place, though I AM pretty well behaved), money- for women have a quality of bearing everything silently. They are the obelisks of silent suffering. They cry about small things-twisted lip, paunches, and cockroaches…. But when it comes to cancer, pain, betrayal, she sits there like nothing affects her. For them its heritage and they ought to bear it.

No, where was I? Yes, the feeling of loneliness in a muddle. It’s like the sprinkle of rain on a summer day. Satiating albeit temporarily. For one pretty moment, you feel balanced, equanimous. And then it seeps in, wake up! Ur lonely, you have no one around you! No, no get away from here, go away! GO AWAY!
Madness, chaos…hell? Maybe…
If I think of God the way He is projected, I see him perched on a huge tower, looking down at us as ants, caught in the rush to nowhere in particular and when one ant among us gets awfully boring (you know goody-good, angel eyes and helps others to feel happy) he picks him up to accompany him. The naughty ants get to stay in here longer and if they bother him too much, he squats them into the ground. Into hell. When I sit on the window, that’s what I felt like-GOD. A powerless One, albeit One. Alone, perched away on the window of a small tower. A lesser God. Then it struck me; maybe God gets awfully lonely too. Sitting there all alone, fiddling with ants. And He has no escape.
And the rain of reason hit me but changed to droplets of water when I asked it for an answer.
I sat there, bruised by the cold winds wondering, but the moment had gone. My card had expired. I’d have to wait for answers, probably on this long journey into nothingness I may find an answer. I’ll wait.
And a mortal fooled herself to think she would find answers to questions she never bothered to ask…