Adjusting

Living is constantly looking into a mirror. No, I don’t think life is vain – it could be, it couldn’t as well. I just think what you see is what you are. Some prefer to constantly travel away from life. Going away, away, away, till you are a little speck and the world is one as well. The lacuna grows. There is no collective universe because down here. Because where I am the world is too big and too difficult to connect to. It awes and amazes me and I can only hold my breath and marvel at the complexity. You are all gods’ beings and god made you all as big as him. God with a big g. Human with a big h. Not that I haven’t ever looked at this mirror. My years only make me more aware of it and I walk back a million times, always losing my way. Always a little too happy, always a little too eccentric, always a little too angry. Always a little too calm. There are days when I walk right back and I stare and stare till all those little dots, all those pimples, the vast forehead, the small nose, the dimpled thighs, the tiny ears vanish to become just one, pretty being. Human with a big H. a huge one, if I get really lucky. Full of meaning. Those are the days when I am happy and so is the world. People look at me, smile and wave, hug and kiss. I do my best at being; I keep looking into the mirror and forget how to walk away.

What scares me though is the feeling that soon enough, the doors away from the mirror will close.

Someone asked me why I am so restless in my sleep and that is solely because my being is in the ocean and water needs to seep and occupy as much space as it can. Thrashing and flailing is the core of me and staying still is difficult. The mirror will darken, the doors away will shut and I will suffocate in bourgeoisie hell. Life is so very hard with its decisions and lack of instructions or tips. Maybe my mindless wavering is turning me blind to life’s hints.