I

I, the captain of a shipwreck,
With a heart of weed and a soul of a butterfly.
I, the captain of a shipwreck,
With a string of hope and a pill for joy.

I am not alone, just lonely. They hide calmly playing dead till I am sad. I can see their fingerprints tied up to my hands if I watch closely. If you tried that, they would disappear. They live a minx' life, they tell me-they hurt, they bite and then wipe it all away. Only someone with too much love could do that for you. A mischief in hand for me to put under my tongue, till the saccharine dies out, till a hollow grows. A water bubble encased numbness that floats up and down and finally settles in.

Some mornings I disappoint them with my fist full of hope, my glossy yellow bangles and my lovely eyes. I walk into bright lights. N-O-R-M-A-L. With a smile and a tamed flutter for my umbra heart. Till someone comes along and tramples on my glass bangles, bruising them from black to blue to crimson of my shameful blood. I walk back to them, searching under my rucksacks and my pillows, on my knees pleading, asking for forgiveness. They punish, their spidery fingers jabbing into my dead butterfly soul. You are ugly and you will always be alone, you know we love you. Only us, only we, only us, we love you. You have nowhere to go, you would die, you ugly, ugly, lonely soul. I sit and sleep, curling up in my sheets trying not to cry. They fall eventually, not tears but the moans muffled in my pillow and my hands move over me, no longer mine but theirs, fingering me, pinching me, till I cannot reason and till pain mixes with pleasure mixes with melancholy mixes with pleasure; longing for flesh, for a smell not mine. To wrap myself over the smell of a flesh not mine.

Tomorrow morning wakes to find me stronger on my bed with invisible bites all over me. It is their strength that I sucked on yesterday, open mouthed, longing, wet for it. All Night. I could laugh, could smile, could smirk. Not feel.

I, the captain of a shipwreck,
I, who wades through nursery rhymes,
I, the captain of a shipwreck,
With tears hidden in his phallus.